Posted by: Dahni | March 2, 2008

Re-invent Part 2

Re-invent 2I am so excited and cannot wait to share about what I did yesterday to quit smoking and reinvent myself. It was brilliant. It was so totally cool.

LEGAL WAIVER: What follows is for example only! Do NOT under any circumstances try this on your own at home without professional supervision. We are not responsible for your failure to read, understand and heed the warnings of this!

I went outside in the cold air into our garage. I did not wear a hat and left the hood down on my coat on purpose. I did not wear gloves, also on purpose.

Next, I lit up a cigarette and smoked it down to about an inch above the filter as I usually do. This was done very quickly and I inhaled each drag of smoke more deeply than was normal for me. I put the cigarette out in the ashtray in the garage. Then guess what I did? I lit up another one!

This idiotic scene continued until I had chain-smoked in succession, around 15 cigarettes in a row. Did I have a buzz? You bet. Was I getting dizzy and a little queasy? Oh God yes! The buzz or the pick-me-up of so much nicotine was making me walk nervously around in circles.

During this process (insanity experiment), my wife Susan came home and saw my bizarre animated antics as she tired to park the car in the garage where I was standing.

I could see the confusion in her eyes and hear it in her voice as she rolled down the window and said, “What in the hell are you doing?” Susan rarely says stuff like this (EMPHASIS IMPLIED & INTENDED).

I explained that I was going to smoke all of the cigarettes from my last remaining pack, in a row. “Well. how many do you have left, you’re already pale and look like you are going to pass out,” she asked.

“Good, I hope I do pass out, I want to remember this moment,” I responded.
Susan shook her head in disbelief and went into the house.

By this time I was good and cold, my head and my hands especially. I continued to smoke the rest of the pack of cigarettes as fast as I could. Each drag of smoke was pulled into my lungs as deep as possible. I wanted to remember what that felt like as well as, what it was like, feeling like, my lungs would either explode or be expelled from my chest from the violent coughing this all encouraged.

Susan stared at me from the kitchen window inside, while I danced around like a crazed person effected with lunar madness or something, outside. I was dancing around, inhaling quickly and sarcastically saying how good it tasted in my mouth, how warm and cozy it felt in my lungs and overall, how absolutely wonderful  smoking at that very moment, was making me feel! Of course none of those were true, but I wanted to remember this moment in the future. But I was not finished yet.

Oh, I continued to smoke every cigarette left, in this fashion, faster and faster. I was jumping up and down and dancing. I was yelling loudly about how cool this was, how cool I was, and how cool smoking was. Perhaps part of the reason for this was that I was freezing. Another reason was that I really hoped I would pass out., but I still had more to go.

The next thing I did was, I went to the ashtray in the garage, lit and smoked every used butt, as fast as I could. Oh, yes, pass out, PLEEZ! I kind of ran the scene through my head in case I would actually pass out.

Susan surely would have seen me pass out and after running outside and being unable to wake or move me, she would call 911. The ambulance would respond and take me to the hospital. In the emergency room or recovery area, how cool would it be to answer, “What were you doing before you passed out?”

“Oh, I smoked about 15 cigarettes in a minute, on purpose!”
“Send him to the PSYCH Ward, Oh did you say it was on purpose? I don’t think we have a ward for idiots, you will have to leave, NOW!”

Well back to reality; back to the garage. After smoking all the used butts, I wiped some cigarette ash from the ashtray on my face. Don’t ask me why? I even touched my tongue to some ash. Then I stuck my nose over the ashtray and breathed in deeply, its fragrant and delicious smell? It was neither fragrant or delicious, NOT at all, but I wanted to remember how nasty this smelled!

The next to the very last thing I did was to throw my disposable lighter hard, onto the pavement. This butane lighter exploded upon contact. A piece of the exploding lighter hit me on my right cheek; just below my eye. It’s a wonder or a miracle it did not cut my face or put my eye out. No matter, I have a great memory stored.
What would you call these memories, disgusting memories? Best selling books in my future, i.e. ‘Memories of a n Idiot,’ or ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Quit Smoking?’

Finally, I dumped the ashtray with its contents, pieces of the exploded lighter and the now empty package of cigarettes (I had stomped onto, a gazillion times), all into a plastic bag and then tossed it in to the trash. I was done with smoking! I quit!

Back inside, I did not pass out or get ill, but I was dizzy and weak. I slept off and on during the rest of the day and withdrew for the night completely around 7:00pm, which was really odd for me. Even more strange is that I slept around the clock, for over 12 hours straight. I rarely if ever sleep more than 6. Even more odd, I never started ‘the patch’ (nicotine patch), today, but I did not smoke and I did not desire to for the rest of the day,  having subjected myself to the bizarre and horrible experience!

I’m in repair. I am reinventing me!

Just Imagine,


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