Posted by: Dahni | April 1, 2017

The True Story of Oz

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By Dahni
© 2017, all rights reserved

Now before this begins, I want to both caution you/warn you and cover my ass with this waiver, I am NOT responsible for traumatizing any youth of any age or for ANY psychological damage perhaps seated in their lives, for the rest of their lives, by exposing anyone to the truth. With this being made known to you in advance, take your children away or turn away your eyes if you will not be responsible for the truth and its possible consequences.

First of all, OZ is a real place. It does exist. How do I know? I’ve been there. My wife has been there twice. One of our grandchildren was born there. We have friends that still live there!

It is just that most people cannot spell it or pronounce it correctly. I am referring to the Continent and the country, many believe is, Australia. The people are not Australians, they are Ozians or if you must, OZ-tralians. There are two reasons for this misunderstanding. First, non-OZtralians/non-OZians, cannot spell or pronounce things correctly. Knowing this, the OZ-tralians/OZ-ians are perfectly OK, with allowing this corruption. They don’t want a bunch of non-OZtralians/non-OZ-ians coming in and messing up the place, looking for Emerald City. Yes, Emerald City does exist too. So does all the great beauty and wonderful creatures. There is magic here and Glinda the good witch. There are no evil or wicked witches here anymore and more about that later. But there are no wizards, not now, not any and not never; never have been. More about that later as well. Munchkins? Absolutely, but they hide. They can be found at any Dunkin Donuts, in OZ.

Munchkins are OZians too! 🙂

So the story as you have known is all true to a point. Dorothy and Toto her dog, did live in Kansas and they were taken up in a cyclone or a tornado. And it landed in Munchkin Land in the land of OZ-tralia, miles from Emerald City, connected by a yellow brick road. Now this is, what is missing.

Munchkin Land was settled because, so many of the Munchkins worked for the chief manufacturing plant and corporate office of Dunkin Donuts, in OZ. I bet you did not know that! And you will never see or hear about Dunkin Donuts in the books, movies or musicals. Why? Because Dunkin Donuts wants the world to believe that what they call Munchkins are just donut holes cut out of the center of doughnuts. That’s absurd! Like the Keebler Elves, everyone that does not have their heads full of straw, know that what makes stuff magically delicious is, skilled, crafty and expert little people! If I were Dunkin Donuts, I’d treat the Munchkins right and be careful they don’t sue you for trading on their good name and their work in making those little munchkins (the donut holes). 🙂

Yes, the house really did land on and killed the Wicked Witch of the East. For crying out loud, show some respect, even for the wicked. She has a name. Her name is Evanora, a.k.a., the Wicked Witch of the East. Her sister, Theodora is (or was), known as, the Wicked Witch of the West. You will shortly understand that Theodora, the Wicked Witch of the West, did NOT die and her beautiful wickedness, did NOT melt, due to water! How ridiculous! The original writer, not wanting people to come over and spoil the true land of OZ and to continue the narrow belief of good VS evil to keep kids in line, decided to kill her off by liquidation. I call that fic-tation. It’s just made up!

Now in the movie, ‘OZ the Great and Powerful,’ there were a lot of liberties taken with the script. True, Glinda the Good; Evanora and Theodora the wicked, were sisters and yes, magical sisters. In fact, they three, made all the wonder of OZ possible. But it was not jealousy or desire for power that caused the riff among them. The real cause of separation in three words was, overindulgence in pistachios. Yes, the nut. They ate way too many and it caused their skin to turn green. Now I ask you, how would you feel if every time you looked into a mirror, you were green? And everyone else was pretty freaked out about it too. So, the two sisters chose to use their power against others, because they were suffering way down in low self-esteem. This is not an excuse for turning wicked, just their choice.

There was no huge war against the wicked in OZ. Dorothy set out from Munchkin Land for Emerald City, to seek the wizard (so-called), so she could go home? What? Are you kidding? Remember Kansas? It was all blah-blah-warm sepia tones, but OZ was full of vibrant color and wonder! Dorothy went to Emerald City to change her passport, go home and say goodbye to Aunt Em and her uncle, and then she was going to come back and stay in OZ forever or at least until, the end of her days. There is a limit in OZ, but OZians do, each experience, an unusually long lifespan. It must be something special that is found in OZ!

So Dorothy heads down the yellow brick road and encounters the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion, just as we have been taught. Dorothy kind of gives them the impression the wizard will give them what they each lack respectively, a brain, a heart and courage. But what really happened was, Dorothy is an exhibitionist, loves attention, does not like being alone and is easily bored. She needs excitement, especially, since all she knew was rural Kansas— country life.

Theodora checks in on the group from time to time, not to prevent them from reaching Emerald City, but her sister Evanora, paid top dollar for those Ruby Red Slippers at PayLess Shoes, down under, in OZ, and she wants them back! True, it would give her more power, but she just wants her sister’s shoes. Wouldn’t you, if all you had were black clothes and green skin? Sure, color is good; something different from normal.

So, the company arrives at Emerald City. What we know from that point is a mixture of fact and fiction. Remember, all Dorothy wanted was a passport, to become a citizen of OZ, to become an OZ-trailan, an OZian and to go back to Kansas briefly, to say goodbye to her kinsfolk. No problem. But it was the getting her back home and the requests for a brain, a heart and courage that threw the fake wizard, the Wizard of OZ for a loop. He tried to get out of it by sending them on special assignments etc. to see if they were found worthy of receiving what they requested. It was all a ruse to get more time until he could get out of doing what he knew, he could not ever do.

Yes, it was Toto that figured out the secrecy to the success of the wizard. He was just a man behind a screen, pushing and pulling buttons and levers and flipping switches. It was just smoke and mirrors, like a carnival or a circus act.

Now he was not just exposed as a fraud to Dorothy and Company, but soon, everyone in Emerald City knew and all of OZ.

Well, he really was a Carney, a cheap trickster, just a performer. And he really did escape, for cheating people out of their money and in a hot air balloon. It really was picked up by a cyclone/tornado and it really did land in OZ. The Ozians had never seen anything like this so, they all just assumed he was a wizard. Times being what they were and not able to go back to Kansas, he took the job and became the fake, fraudulent, Wizard of OZ. He kept his balloon though and made the necessary repairs to it over the years, during his time in OZ, just in case, he was found out again and had to escape gain. This was that time, again.

The only thing that kept the Ozians from beating their fake wizard to a pulp was, they liked Dorothy and he promised to get her back to Kansas. But he flat out lied to her that he would be able to get her back to OZ.

As to the others, he did produce a cheap diploma, from an unregistered degree mill for the Scarecrow. And he did give the Tin Man a heart? Really? No, of course not, it was just a heart-shaped clock. And he did give the Cowardly Lion a medal, a plastic medal from the children’s section of a Wall-Mart Super Center, in the Land of OZ. By the way, if you do not believe OZians exist, particularly strange OZians, have you ever seen some of entities who shop at Wal-Mart?

Now even for OZ and particularly Emerald City, do you honestly believe they were that gullible, to turn over the running of their city to a scarecrow, a tin man and a cowardly lion, with such little experience, even if they were magical creatures? It never happened! So what then, really happened? Let’s start with Toto.

Toto ran off. Now before you get too judgmental about that, you need to understand something about Toto. Unbeknownst to Dorothy and maybe everyone in Kansas, he was a she. Yes, Toto was a girl! Toto ran off because, SHE, fell in love with a monkey. The combination of this crossbred genetic material and OZ magic, produced all those flying monkeys you have come to know.

The First litter all looked liked Toto 🙂

So, Dorothy had to leave OZ without Toto and she did and she made it back to Kansas and her home. Shortly after, wouldn’t’ you know it, another cyclone/tornado came through their farm. The wind caught Dorothy’s dress and pulled it up. Strangely, she liked the feeling. When she looked down, she was still wearing the Ruby Red Slippers. Glinda had forgotten to get them back. The wind had blown a tiny grain of sand into one of her shoes and it started to hurt, walking in them. Dorothy took off the shoe, and found the grain then she noticed a label, in the heel that reads:

Property of OZ
Click heels 3 times and say—
“There’s No Place Like Home.”

 

Dorothy in the Ruby Red Slippers, liked the wind, hiking up her dress

As it is well-known and often said, “Home is where the heart is.” Dorothy’s heart and her new home was OZ. She just had to get back there! She did as instructed and Whoosh, just like that, she was back in OZ to stay! A little more about her later.

The Scarecrow, thinking he could actually think with his bogus degree, went into business, the straw business. One day, he fell off his truck and a tractor rolled over his body and the wind spread it to all four corners of the farm. All that was left was his head, still without a brain.

No body, just a head, still no brain

Of the three, the Tin Man had it the worst. His so called heart, stopped beating (ticking actually). When he finally realized the Wizard of Fraud had cheated him and given him nothing, but a cheap, battery-operated clock, OMG was he furious! When he finally calmed down, no one was willing or able to help him. To get a real heart, he would have to get one somewhere and well, everyone was already using theirs. He thought about leaving OZ in search of one, somewhere else. He sold some of himself, some of his own scrap parts, to purchase an airline ticket.

He was humiliated at the airport. He had to climb onto the conveyor belt at security and lie down because, after all, he was made out of metal. Well, the experience made him so angry and he was so loud about it, security kicked him out and banned him from ever using any airport in OZ, EVER!!! They did give him a refund, but he tossed it on the ground and walked out. He decided to see Glinda, to see, if there was any way, she could help him.

Besides anger issues, the Tin Man is pretty dang smart. Unlike the Scarecrow, the Tin Man did have a brain and in fact, he was very well read. A story from ancient Greece came to mind as he went to see Glinda. As it turns out, not only was Glinda the Good a witch, she has the power of time travel. She could send the Tin Man anywhere in time he wanted to go and bring him back to OZ. The Tin man knew exactly where and when in time, he wanted to go. In an instant, after Glinda waved her magic wand, the Tin Man was face to face with Achilles. To argue his point, the Tin Man told Achilles he knew, what the secret was to Achilles immortality and his one weakness, his heel. Achilles was still a little reluctant and then, the Tin Man pointed to the arrow that had just nearly missed his heel. “That was pretty, awfully darn close, huh,” the Tin man asked?

Achilles, knew at that moment, it was only a matter of time, so he traded his own heart for the Tin Man’s lower right leg. It is said, that someone has what you need and you have something that someone needs.

I told you the Tin Man was smart, he could easily get another right foot. But then, Achilles could really live forever. He still does. His type of heroism is no longer needed, but he is, CEO of a worldwide company that makes quality footwear that others put their brand on. He is alive, well and happy, in Schenectady, NY, thanks to, the Tin Man.

Achilles reluctantly swaps, his heart for the Tin Man’s lower right (hollow) leg

By the Time the Tin Man got back to OZ, Dorothy had just gotten there too. She found Toto and apparently in OZ, dogs and monkeys, breed like rabbits. There were flying blue monkeys with tails like dogs, everywhere! 🙂

It turns out, the cowardly lion really only had one fear. He was afraid of, ‘coming out!’ Just as we somehow always KNEW, especially when he sang about being a “Dandy Lion,” he was a homosexual lion. He still lives in the forest where he frolics and frisks with his partner, Thamous.

“I’m a Dandy Lion”

This leaves only Theodora the Wicked and Dorothy, to end this true story.

Dorothy was bored and wanted to be free of her limited life in rural, warm-sepia-tones, Kansas. Theodora wanted desperately, the very things Dorothy wanted to be free from. She wanted to be free from the heavy and many responsibilities of wicked-witch-ed-ness and live a simple life.

She did just that and is finally happy. She is still green, as nothing, not even magic, can change that. But the locals don’t seem to pay it no mind. They just figure she gets air sick a lot. But yes, Theodora, the former Wicked Witch of the West, in the Land down under, in the Land of OZ, is now happy!

She is living large as a crop-duster, in rural Kansas. 🙂

 

Theodora Crop-Dusting, Inc.

And Dorothy? She is now an exotic nude dancer. She specializes in the horizontal pole dance, which is a levitating broom. Glinda gave her this power, when she turned in the Ruby Red Slippers.

Dorothy works full-time, and can be found at, ‘Down Under Saloon and Station, in OZ. She is presently seeing a jackaroo (a stockman or cowboy), training to oversee a station (a ranch).

She loves animals and has a domesticated dingo, Blue Mountain Jack, a wallaby named Matilda and a platypus that goes by Petunia.

Dorothy and Toto are not on speaking terms, probably due to the fact that she named him Toto. Toto is a diminutive form of the male name of Salvatore in Sicily and of Antonio in Campania. But, Toto was a she, a girl! Come on, did Dorothy or her family not know? How could they not know? I mean, it would be obvious if they ever looked right? It’s apparent they didn’t! For crying out loud, even in  the 1939 movie, ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ Toto was played by a female brindle Cairn Terrier, whose real name was Terry. Toto goes by Tolly now.

But other than these things, all is well in OZ. You should visit sometime! Down under, in the Land of OZ, it’s a real as it gets. A few words of caution here are in order. Most OZians never say, put something (like shrimp) “…on the Barbie,” so do not expect a warm response if you say this. A ‘walkabout’ could last for a really, really long time. Don’t go on one with someone unless, you understand that and forget about looking for them. Thy’ll be back when they’re back. And for God’s sake, just never, EVER mention the word wizard! 🙂

Dorothy is an exotic nude dancer, specializing in the horizontal pole

Just I-magine, you never heard this true story!
Just I-magine, you will to, never remember it, repeat it or share it!
Just I-magine, it is really not, April Fool’s Day!

 

Just I-magine,


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